'Pig sty'

Tonight I was chatting with a new friend, lovely bubbly smiley lady. Mother to 3 - Girl almost driving age...boy 13 and baby boy 8. Her daughter is in the local church choir, gets excellent grades at school, never misbehaves, gorgeous girl all round.....but Jo feels she has failed as a parent in one respect...because her daughter has a constantly  messy bedroom. Ouch.

Jo feels disrespected, and cannot fathom why her otherwise delightful and loving daughter is doing this to her mum when she knows how much it upsets her. I tried to reassure her this seems to be more normal than not. Over the years so many of my very tidy friends have tried to come to terms with the 'teenage pig sty' . They try all sorts but eventually resign themselves to stepping in and tidying it for them or swallowing hard and letting the tension go over their heads.

It is a phenomenon to most civilised parents that their otherwise perfect child resides daily in a room  with clothes, dirty glasses/cups, screwed up bits of paper, text books, dirty underpants/knickers, leads and cables and somewhere amongst that - an unmade ruffled bed.

They get irked when passing the room if the door is open, displaying to the world what they see as the height  of lazyness. How could this otherwise incredible specimen of their joint gene pool be soooo untidy? When did it begin? How can they live in such squalor? Are they not ashamed? It must be a throw back to a distant relative perhaps.

The unanswerable mystery is going on in more households than we dare to imagine. The muted shame of inner knowledge of what is lurking upstairs is shared through many families worldwide. Often an unspoken dark hidden secret...'my teenager is a slob'. These parents may find themselves running at a fast pace, tripping up the stairs to close the curtains if the window cleaner arrives...or refuse to let the window cleaner clean upstairs windows.  They may 'go in' and overhaul just before a visit from the mother in law. And cringe when their offspring invite friends to sleepover...this event usually creates even more wrappers and empty cups than before.

This is not restricted to a certain genre of human being, this I know can happen in a huge 5 bedroom
luxury mansion with an incredibly tidy mother and an obsessively (totally OCD) father. I have also
seen evidence in a smaller semi-detached 3 bedroomed house filled with a family of 6. Untidy bedrooms do not discriminate between the hierarchy ...but can be present in any household anytime. Posh and not so posh...two parents in situ or just one...there is no obvious pattern.

There is also the unique perception of 'untidy'..this can range from a book slightly squewhiff on the book shelf, and a cup (who's contents were consumed ten minutes before) remains in situ on the shiny bedside cabinet..to the other extreme of a levelled off sea of clothes useful for a stepping stone onto the bed, unread books used as placemats for the 7 cups squeezed precariously on the bedside table, the contents of which were consumed at least 3 days ago.

For the tidy parent this can lead to disruptive behaviour patterns...for the parent. Mixed messages can be transmitted into their children's minds..."Tidy up that mess immediately"...followed by "don't throw all your clothes in a heap in front of the washing machine". It is unfathomable to
pristine people that anyone would want to live in such squalor. Surely as they see the rest of the house being kept immaculate they would automatically follow suit. But noooooo....as soon as you withdraw the hand of tidy ness and give them responsibility for their own rooms...chaos reigns!

Today I have done research, I teach twin girls to drive. The first assured me convincingly that although their shared bedroom was always untidy, she would always be the one to reorganise and
clean up the mess. The second twin also incredibly convincingly apparently fills the same role,
tidying up after her sister. This twin is tidy like her very tidy mum - whereas the other twin is not at all tidy and so does not have the mothers tidy genetic make up. This shows that they do not perceive themselves untidy but assume the mess is created by the other twin.

Part of the ongoing argument between parents and their offspring possibly boils down to the fact that your children don't notice the mess and somehow are comforted by it. They certainly don't appear to feel responsible for it. Even tripping up as they enter their rooms does not deter them or even make them aware. It is as if they are blinkered.

I also later questioned a father of  girl triplets...a quick response of "they are all untidy, same as their mum and dad."

So is it nature or nurture. I think this could be a case of neither..or both - .the teenage pit syndrome can hit anytime any household anywhere in the world. Now if you are reading this smugly...you may
be pregnant with your first child, and have plans and strategies going through your brain, as you
imagine the neatest most beautiful space with your 15 year old lying on her stylish duvet , reading her
kindle. Around her in your mind are strategically placed dust free accessories and a thick cream unstained carpet. It will be a simple plan of starting from birth...routines, star charts, encouragement and leading by example to attain this vision. How can parents let this happen, how ridiculous I will never let my child have a messy bedroom. What can possibly go wrong?

The other reason you may feel smug is because your child is and always has been very particular about keeping their room pristine.  Congratulations, enjoy!

. If you have more than one child and this is the eldest,  remember 'pride comes before a fall' ...believe me your fussy 10 year old could fall into the slovenly ways before they reach 13.each child is unique. They are not doing this on purpose to cause a row...they probably would love to have a tidy bedroom, and although they know exactly where their pink socks are amongst the mountain of
clothes...they really would prefer to take them out of a drawer rather than scavenging through the pile to get  to the lower west region of the mound of garments.

If this sounds familiar and it irks you - you have a couple of options. Keep the door firmly closed, put a warning notice about health hazard on the outside and bide your time until they leave or get fed up with the mess themselves.

You can battle each and every day until 'mess exhaustion' wears you down into submission and you have their iPhone, iPad , Xbox in a confiscated pile in your now messy bedroom. (Don't think this is the reason....techno distraction... ...(.I had none of these growing up as I'm sure many don't today...yet my mum actually put a 'pig sty' sign on my door.)

 You may  eventually come to terms with it, and realise time is precious and is flying by far too quickly to spend hours falling out about something that compared to drug taking, alcohol abuse, smoking, etc etc that their peers may be indulging in, is relatively unimportant.

You may instantly come back to me with a retort...but they need to know how to be tidy outside of the home, what about when they have a home of their own. Well two of my nieces (from two different families)  now have homes of their own. One has been both messy and tidy growing up is now obsessively tidy (she is first to admit that) since having her daughter. The other used to drive my sister in law to distraction ...piling up wet towels, hoarding laundry until she had no clothes to wear and dumped a mountain in front of the washing machine - usually on a Sunday.  Her mum tried all sorts of tactics, the first was to insist she washed her own clothes and restricted her to one towel at a time.

My niece had a horse and was brilliant at daily tasks like mucking him out. She was helpful around the house, clean and tidy in appearance. Most definitely not a lazy teenager but a very hard working one. It baffled my organised sister in law - I actually think this was karma (if there is such a thing) because my lovely sister in law was caught videoing my bedroom whilst giggling several years before...apparently to show her friends as they couldn't picture just how bad the mayhem was. -  But today there is harmony again and the memory of stress and arguments long since forgotten. ..the time has passed....well for that daughter anyway, her son has gone to uni and they miss his mess like crazy and their youngest daughter isn't quite as bad.....possibly because she will remain 'the baby' forever and so Catherine will tidy it for her lol.

Once my niece had her own home and own family she became meticulous in every room. No one to nag her, no one to see the mess in her bedroom apart from her husband and son. Yet if you did pop your head round anytime night or day you would find nothing out of place. So in fact she does take after her mum, being organised, quick, efficient and house proud.  Incredible that she enjoyed the years of mess in her bedroom.

It truly is a phenomenon that I believe we will never truly understand. There are young people on a spectrum that are obsessed with lining up objects meticulously, and that may be an issue on the other
extremity. I'm not saying for one minute that all tidy teenagers are on a spectrum but recognising the fact they may be. Parents reading this might long for their children to be relaxed and a little disorganised for a change.

The sad thought is that some parents will be reading this with broken hearts. Maybe they have lost a child through tragedy, disease or they have moved away to uni or just left home. They might go by an open bedroom door and see evidence of order. A clean and tidy room. One no longer occupied by their child. They might long for the familiar mess, they may wish they had forgotten the colour of the carpet....they may give anything to be missing 10 glasses from the cupboard and find them in the bedroom filled with mouldy milk. Their heart may ache to say those words...'please clean your room
this weekend".


You see it is bad, I realise even traumatic for some...I cannot imagine myself how heartbreaking for the tidy people of this world - as I've not grown out of this syndrome. I wallow amongst a sea of clothes on the floor. I climb over objects that have been dumped by the door from when we had visitors a few months ago. Our bedroom has always been the main area for items I have no idea where to put -  when cleaning in haste before relatives/friends arrive. I don't even notice them after a week or so. I'm comfortable and cosy in my messy bedroom. It is familiar territory. When I do get round to overhauling it I realise how easy it is to get tidy...and wonder why I can't do it on a daily basis. I have accepted this is because  I am made this way. I'm not proud I'm messy - I try not to be...my husband and I compromise...he is tidy (and incredibly patient) so we have an imaginary line down the middle of our room. My mess can not encroach on his side. Sadly if visitors come it does!

I wish I had grown out of it, it has caused much embarrasment to my mum and me over the years (thankfully God blessed me with a husband who doesn't get embarrassed). Usually these moments are when very tidy people accidentally and without warning stumble across the mess. Like the time my friend bought her' OCD' husband round when our alarm went off accidentally whilst we were shopping. I'm not sure why we had an alarm at the time as we had nothing valuable in the house, and deeply regretted it when I discovered Luis had come to meet the police with Tracie. As he wandered ahead of her into our house and up the stairs he was shocked to the core exclaiming 'Tracie you should see what the robbers have done..they have taken clothes out of all the drawers and thrown them all over the place..Tracie, knowing me since I was 7 years old was apparently lying prostrate on the stairs unable to breath, through laughing.

The other most painful memory for me was when my waters broke 3 weeks early, with our youngest son. Our friend who lived locally (tidy but aware of my bad habits) came to look after the older boys whilst we went to give birth. Imagine my horror when I realised my very very very tidy neighbour had heard of our plight and kindly came over to strip the wet sheets from the bed, wash them and put them back on before we returned later that day...Nooooooooo my worst nightmare, especially when later she commented that she would have taken some more laundry to help out but she wasn't sure which pile was the dirty one - eek!

Even though these and many more incidents horrified me they have never been enough to change my slovenly ways...so please don't be too hard on your teenagers, they are definitely not doing it to annoy you, and they will naturally grow out of it ..or not..but by then it will be out of your tidy domain...and be someone else's problem. I believe being a succesful parent cannot be measured by the growing child/teenager as they have much to learn.I look at families that are bound by love, and am impressed with the children that have grown into forgiving adults and love their parents with a passion  inspite of their irritating ways....I hope all of mine will do.


Out of our four sons one is very tidy and very organised like his dad. The other three are variable.  In our case I'm not the best person to lead by example. However they know they are all loved dearly, we are a very close family, and are Blessed with a wonderful extended family. Life outside messy bedrooms has not always been straightforward and the boys have done things that have broken our hearts and made us worry for them.  But amongst the mess in each of our bedrooms (tidy boy has left home and is married) I love the fact there is much evidence of contentment and life going on. I dread the day I pass their rooms and see it has been untouched and I can see the carpet easily. When I have a cupboard full of clean glasses downstairs...and a pile of clean towels in the airing cupboard (Actually that may not happen even if they have moved out).

Because then they will have all flown the nest, time will have sped by,...and I will miss all that we share together in our busy messy house. Tidy boy comes back to visit often, with his wife, my son, his girlfriend and our granddaughter come to see us frequently....so for me I'm hoping the mess will continue...for many years yet ...Please God.x

Another positive thought is you can use the mess for therapy for your friends who confess to you they too are suffering. I often take people on tours, sometimes they are reeling in shock and go home thinking that a mess isn't a mess after all..or they may not come again now the truth is out..but they may feel more relaxed about their own home. My very tidy stepmother visited us once with little warning and no time to tidy..I was a bit worried until she gave me a hug...and said 'Now I feel part of the family'. So all those years of making sure she was comfortable in a polished clean house making her feel like a stranger (she knew I used to invite my mum to clean the mess) when I could have relaxed, swallowed my pride and welcomed her with open arms and a dishevilled kitchen...but untidy houses in general..that's not just another blog - that would be a whole new book lol.


So as you can see I'm no expert, I have no sound advice, I definitely do not have the solution - but I do want to encourage all those mums and dads who think they are in the minority on this subject. I hope by realising it is more common than not, it will help you accept this is only temporary and possibly not worth the battles. Good luck...this was only a thought blog ...not to offend anyone - please feel free to comment though...and remember in all things by the Grace of God "with acceptance comes peace"...